Louie did brilliantly. Initially I think he thought he was off to his usual toddler group, so upon arrival at nursery he seemed a bit peeved! He’s been here a few times now, so it wasn’t an unfamiliar surrounding for him. The nursery manager suggested I just potter around with him for a bit, so we did just that – outside, inside, toys, other children, staff.
After a while Louie seemed happy enough to be tinkering around with bits and pieces on his own, but I was taking myself on a wretched guilt trip.
With Louie being in the same room as other children of his age, the difference in the abilities & development of the other children compared to Louie, hit me hard in the face. And it hit me hard in the face again that this was because of the Down’s. Then I began questioning why I was putting my son with a developmental age of 2+ years, into an environment for children aged 3+. So when the lovely nursery manger commented on how happily Louie was pottering about, and asked if there were any questions, I just said that I was noticing one or two things……….then that was it!
My overwhelmed emotions got the better of me. I was kindly invited into the back kitchen to gather myself, while Louie was left in the more than capable hands of the numerous members of staff.
I felt like I was crying from my very soul. I just wanted to curl up & sob. I just wanted my Mum to hold me; in fact it was all I could do not to say out loud ‘I want my Mum’. Instead I asked the nursery manager for a hug, to which she said ‘of course’, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to ask for. I felt vulnerable, silly, embarrassed, small, yet I was made to feel embraced, understood, un-judged and supported.
I talked very openly about my emotions, the way I was feeling & why I was feeling the way I was. (One of the many things Louie has taught me is that stuffing down my emotions & squashing them to the back of my throat, won’t help him & it certainly won’t help me. I have to open up & that takes strength, I know I am a strong person – I have to be.)
The nursery manager listened & reassured me that for all Louie is developmentally younger, it is absolutely the right time to introduce him to nursery. She also said that nothing was set in stone, & that I am free to do whatever I feel is right. She quite rightly said that the sooner I start integrating Louie into nursery, the easier it will be to do so.
Everything the nursery manager said was right, I agreed with her & in my head I knew I was doing the right thing. It was just that at that moment I was completely unprepared for the emotions that crept up on me – I was prepared for everything else, but not the Down’s Syndrome bit. This sounds daft, but to me Louie is just like every other child. I am almost blind to his condition now, it is part of the family, it doesn’t play a big part in any of our lives – my conscious had forgotten all about it.
Having composed myself & got back into my normal ‘pull yourself together girl’ mode, it suddenly occurred to me that Louie had been quite happy in my absence, in fact perfectly happy, barely phased at all. So why should I be? I’ll take my lead from Louie, I am optimistic that he will settle ok. He may have a few days when he doesn’t want to go in, but then so did his brother – we’ll deal with those when & if they arrive. In the mean time we have a few more nursery sessions over the next 2 weeks before I go away & leave him. It’s up to me to make sure these next few visits are fun & enjoyable & leave Louie with an experience that he will look forward to going back to.
As for me, well I forgot my Girl Guide code didn’t I? Be Prepared! Was I? No! Try harder next time Mummy please!
Fingers crossed.
Mum 24th September 2010
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